An Open Letter to Hobby Lobby

Dear Hobby Lobby ~ 
How are you? 
I hope you haven't been partying too hard this past week in celebration of the recent Supreme Court ruling in your favor. 

How does that feel, by the way? Pretty awesome, I bet. 
You must be pretty pleased with yourself that your company has changed the course for women's right to contraceptives through their employers. Well done. 
It must feel so empowering that you've given major for-profit organizations the same rights as individuals! WAY TO GO! 

Your 23,000 employees are probably so grateful to you. 
Now they get to continue selling discounted crafts supplies in your soul-sucking, potpourri-scented warehouses, AND that awful weight of deciding of what to do with their own bodies has been lifted! They are SO lucky! 
Not only do you pay them $9.41 an hour, but now you've made it a point to really look out for the decisions they make in their personal lives as well. 
Take THAT Obamacare! 

Those silly women on the Supreme Court only voted the way they did because they were probably on their periods, which we all know prevents them from making rational decisions. It's like when that liberal hellion Hillary Clinton made a statement saying this decision is a "really bad slippery slope" for women's rights. She just doesn't realize that YOU guys know better! 

I'm sure that earning almost 4 billion dollars in revenue last year took no part in the way this  decision went. With that amount of money you totally deserve the same rights as the minimum-wage paid individuals who work for your company. 
It must also feel cool to overturn a government mandated element in health care reform that was only there to help - dare I say it  - the liberal agenda. (I know, gross, right?)  
And with you giving nearly half of that annual income away to The Pentecostal Church of the God of Prophecy every year, thank GOD (oops, sorry - I mean thank goodness) that you're saving every last penny through a stand like this. Smart thinkin, guys. 

Your church represents .00025% of the population, and now this Supreme Court ruling affects literally every woman in the country! 
It must feel good to be you.

I'm actually glad this happened. 
I was getting pretty darn tired of those pesky little civil liberties. 
I take extreme comfort knowing that I could be fired at any minute if my employer decides to care about my contraceptives situation. It's more fun to live on the edge like this. 

You probably don't give a shit about my note, though.
Why would you? You're #135 on Forbes' list of largest private companies, and I'm just

another hell-bent floozie hoping to participate in protected sex. 
No concern of yours. 
Well, certainly not now. 
You only cared about me and my uterus until you shut them down, and since you've accomplished that, I'm no more of a concern. 

OH!
AND NOW - You've served as SUCH an inspiration to other religious organizations, that they felt confident enough to write the president  asking that they be allowed to discriminate hiring employees based on their sexual orientation as well!
WAY TO GO! 
Now not only women are being discriminated against legally, but it looks like members of the LGBT community are next! 
You must be so proud. 
Why would you want gays working for you anyway? They probably know nothing about art or decorating. Let one of your straight people deal with silk floral arrangements - just the way God intended. 

Anyway.
I should probably wrap it up - I know you guys are really busy producing discounted needlework patterns and depriving some minority somewhere of their right to work. 

I just wanted to tell you that I think it's really cool that you and all your bros care so much about women. 
I mean you really care what we do with our bodies, don't you? Your need to be in control over our reproductive rights must mean you care! 
So I just wanted to say thank you from all of us. 
Being a woman is already pretty easy as it is, so I appreciate you making it even more effortless that we don't even have to worry about our own bodies because corporations like you have it covered. 
Thanks, guys.
No. Really.