My Guide to Being Sick

I am sick.

Not in the Beautiful Mind way (outdated reference?), but more in the achey, wheezy,  snot-faucet way. 

I've been awake for approximately four hours and in bed for three hours and 51 minutes. (Those nine minutes were spent making tea and eating a brownie while sitting on my kitchen floor.) 

(Bet you didn't even KNOW I could look this attractive, did you?)

So as I lay here in my misery, I decided to impart the (questionable) wisdom I've gained from being sick over the years. 

Step 1: Have your local Thai Restaurant on Speed Dial

- Tom Yum soup basically cures all, and is the only thing that is acceptable to eat when in this state of misery. (But as long as you're getting out of bed to go get it, might as well throw in some fried rice while you're at it. And maybe some Spring Rolls.)

Step 2: Catch up on shitty TV

- You're sick! Now is your chance to watch Vampire Diaries and The Bachelor with no one judging you! RUN to your television! (Or crawl. Or just stay in bed & watch it on your computer.)

Step 3: Splurge on Kleenex
- There are 3 things in life to never buy cheap: Tequila, Razors and Kleenex. 
Get the kleenex with the aloe and lotion in them! Your nostrils and general sense of well-being will thank you. 
(I would also advice you to never go cheap on bikini waxing, Sushi or mattresses, but those are tales for another time.)

Step 4: Know that Beer does not Count as a Fluid

- As much as it pains me to admit it, booze is not proper Flu-Juice. Which totally blows because you're already miserable, you might as well get drunk, but -This is the one time I'll tell you not to drink alcohol. Stick with hot tea and water. (But I suppose you can throw a little Jameson into your tea if you want.) 

Step 5: Bathe

- I know you feel like shit, and don't want to move, but the hottest of hot showers will make everything better. 
Plus, let's be honest, you probably smell. 

Step 6: Paint your nails

- You feel disgusting, and truthfully, you probably look the same (see above photo) AND you're laying in bed doing nothing - with no sense of smell. What better thing to do than paint your nails? It will kill some time and make you feel somewhat more attractive. 

Step 7: Break out the boyfriend jeans 

- Ideally you don't have to go anywhere, but if you do, it's time to break out the boyfriend jeans. And boyfriend Hanes tees. This shall be your uniform. (Even in sickness I won't wear sweatpants in public.)

This is your time to scrub it up. Enjoy. 

Step 8: Find Silver Linings
- This is probably your most important step. Being sick blows. And I fully allow you a standard amount of wallowing. BUT - keep things in perspective. 
Sure it sucks that you have no appetite and have been existing on nothing but tea and soup, but think about how it's balancing out the fact that you didn't run this morning! 
And of course you wish you were feeling better but at least you're not that poor whale in Blackfish! 
THERE'S SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR!!! 


Follow these steps and I can guarantee (but not really) that you will feel better! 
And if it gets really bad, just add more whiskey to that tea and veg out in front of Scandal. Good Luck!