Pretty In Pink: The Re-Write

So I just rewatched the John Hughes classic Pretty In Pink the other night for the first time in years.
I hadn't seen it since high school, when I thought that Molly Ringwald's character was the coolest of the cool because she made her own clothes and worked in a record shop (Still cool shiz, by the way.) I also thought that the whole story was such a sweet star-crossed lovers scenario with all the warm fuzzies that come with.

My re-watch did not leave me feeling the same way.

In this new viewing, here's what I saw:

This cool, headstrong girl who kicks butt in school and listens to Morrissey and dresses with confidence gets swept off her feet by a sheepish, yuppie rich kid who allows his friends to treat her like shit, and SHE's the one who gets defeated and loses confidence, all the while this awesome guy best friend of hers is left heartbroken in the dust.

Sucky. 

So I've decided to rewrite the whole thing. 

MY version of the movie would go a little something like this:

Andie Walsh (Molly Ringwald) is a working class girl with a struggling but lovable father who lives on the wrong side of the tracks. 
Andie's a senior in high school (The same one where Grease was filmed), and develops a crush on rich kid Blane. (Of course his name is Blane. Is there any more 80's yuppie name than Blane? No. No there isn't.)
And even though she's a social pariah and wears reject hats from Blossom, she's a cool chick with a strong sense of self. And Blane is down with that. They agree to go out. 
Andrew McCarthy plays Blane, and who, despite his very tiny head, is charming. 
But not quite as charming as Andie's best friend Duckie. 

Let's just get one thing straight right away - Duckie is everything.

After we're introduced to him, we spend the rest of the movie wondering why Andie doesn't see how amazing he is.

And as wonderful as Jon Cryer was, in MY version, Duckie is PLAYED BY ROBERT DOWNEY JR. 

WHO WAS ORIGINALLY CONSIDERED FOR THE PART!

WTF, John Hughes?

No disrespect to John Cryer - he's one of the best parts of the movie.

But come on - I think we can all agree that NO ONE can beat RDJ. 

Anyway.
Moving on.

Duckie has been pining for Andie for years, unbeknownst to her (which is pretty unbelievable since he's more doting than a character from a Nicholas Sparks novel, but we'll just go with it.)
But Andie only has eyes for Blane. And to his credit, he pulls some cool stunts, like formatting photos into an early version of IMs ("computer tricks" as she calls them). 

Just for kicks, let's get a load of these babies:

(Amazing.)

He also shows up at the record shop where she works and buys a shitty album. *SWOON* 

So he asks her out. She says yes. DUCKIE IS CRUSHED. (In the mean time he does an incredible lip-sync version of "Try a Little Tenderness", further embedding himself in out hearts.)

So while Duckie is yearning, Blane, with all his money and connections, can think of nothing better to do with Andie than taking her to a party thrown by his douchebag friends. 
Andie doesn't want to go. And like the charming date he is, he convinces her to attend a party against her will where people can be mean to her.  
So basically, this rad New Wave chick allows this preppy dude and his friends to treat her like shit. 

This goes back and forth, then Blane wusses out and starts ignoring her and is a total dick. 
So she flips out at him by the lockers and we're all like YEAH ANDIE! NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER! (Oops, wrong 80s movie.)

So Andie is sad and she has no date to prom. But then she gets all determined and badass and says the best line in the movie: "I just want them to know they didn't break me."
Fuck yeah, Andie. 
And so she shows up to the prom (where apparantly only pastel colors are allowed) in a BEAUTIFUL prom dress she made, not the Horribly Disgusting one that she actually wore in the movie.

And who should be waiting there for her?

FUCKING DUCKIE.

IN A BOLO TIE!

Do you know how cool that is?

So anyway, she sees Duckie and they walk in to prom together hand in hand.

You with me?

BUT THEN - when BLANE (doesn't that name just really lend itself to italics?) walks up to her and says he always believed in her, he just didn't believe in himself, Andie does NOT end up with him. 

Instead, she realizes she couldn't be with someone so unsure of who he is and who would allow her to be treated so poorly. 

Then she looks at DUCKIE in all of his confident strangeness, and it FINALLY hits her that they were meant to be together.

And so Andie and Robert Downey Jr Duckie leave the prom and kiss in front of giant head lights. NOT her and Blane.

And then they go off and have an awesome romantic life together listening to the Smiths and helping each other accessorize. 

The. End.