My Vendetta Against Pumpkin Spice Lattes | Tarreyn Land: My Vendetta Against Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Saturday, October 12, 2013

My Vendetta Against Pumpkin Spice Lattes

It's October. 
For me, other than Halloween awesomeness, it signifies that most lovely and glorious time of year: Black Tights Weather.
Aaaaahhh yes. Beautiful, beautiful black tights time. 
I've spent the last SIX months deprived of the biggest staple of my wardrobe, and now it's BACK! 

But moving on. 
Sadly, this is not a post about the glory of stockings. 
This is a post about how October signifies something different to a lot of other people: Pumpkin Spice Latte Season. 

I don't use the word hate lightly (ok, I say it all the time), but - I think I hate the pumpkin spice latte. 

Now before you get your pitchforks and torches, hear me out - 

I feel about the pumpkin spice latte the way lots of people feel about Valentine's day - Something created as a marketing ploy to make millions of people feel nostalgic for some intangible feeling, when really it's just about making money.
They lead you into associating the PSL (as it shall henceforth be referred to) with autumn, which makes you think about the holidays, which makes you think about your childhood, family, nostalgia, warmth & coziness, the feeling of giving, blah blah blah. 
In one foul swoop, this artificial syrup coated coffee drink has become a symbol of everything sentimental and wonderful. 

Fine. Alright, I'm ok with that -
These stupid drinks that everyone loses their shit over taste essentially like aspartame infused hot milk mixed with chemically coated espresso beans ground into foam.

If I never see another Facebook status, Blog Post, Tweet or anything about PSLs for the rest of my life, it will be too soon.

This also leads me to why I hate Starbucks. Sure, it's consistent everywhere you go, they have really good taste in music, and their baristas are seriously the nicest people you'll ever meet, but F You, Starbucks! F you and your corporate cappuccinos. 

I go to a little local coffee shop around the corner and I LOVE it. Besides the fact that the quality of their coffee is better than the Bucks, it's half the price! Just earlier this week I bought a Latte (Non PSL of course), a 16oz iced coffee, AND a half POUND of ground coffee to take home, and guess how much it cost me? Go ahead, guess.
You guessed wrong.
It only cost me TEN DOLLARS! 

THEN - I went to STARBUCKS the other day, and it was SIX DOLLARS for TWO CUPS OF COFFEE! Nothing special, no added shot, just coffee with cream and sugar. 
Six Dollars.
You know coffee is basically caffeinated water, right? 

Oh and guess what?! You wanna know how much actual PUMPKIN is in the PUMPKIN Spice Latte?? 
To quote Samuel L. Jackson directly - there is no mother fucking pumpkin in that mother fucking latte. 
I am aware that my hatred of this drink is a waste of energy and probably totally irrational, but I can't help it. It's everywhere I turn! I think if they sold PSLs year-round, people would realize how awful they taste and the phenomenon would evaporate. 

Right now Starbucks is celebrating 10 years of the PSL.
Well guess what? I'm celebrating 10 years of having discovered contact lenses and you don't see me obsessing about it!
(That was a really dreadful comparison. I immediately apologize.)

So. If you want to pay 15 dollars for hot milk and flavored water, be my guest. 
No judgement. 
I'll just be at home drinking my seasonal drink of choice: Alcohol. 
(I guess it's not really seasonal when you drink it 365 days a year... but whatever.)

If it makes you feel any better, Pumpkin Spice, I hate the eggnog latte too. 

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